She cut then cried FICTIONAL poem.

She cut then cried. Why oh why?

Depressed, no?

Why the pain though.

She lay as she bled, too too much.

body cold to the touch.

On her way to heaven she went.

Parents finding her dead in the AM.

What did they do wrong?

at the funaral they sung.

The song she listed a million times, in the psych ward.

Saddest thing she ever heard.

Talked about suicide and cutting.

A bad influence yes.

It gave her to time to rest.

She was dead the Dr said

Could not be saved.

Now burying her body.

More tears came.

Was this all just a game?

Suisude is NO joke.

U do it, you croak.

She called HELP.

I WANNA DIE she screamed under her blankets in the psych ward.

She hiccuped as she cried.

Nobody came. No staff.

Sam bit her wrist.

Little bit of blood raised to the surface of her skin.

She used her finger to wipe the words, HELP on her walls.

She shook her head back and forth.

FINALLY, checks.

“Checks” Elle said.

“I need help”Sam said angrily.

“Whats wrong LOve?”

Sam sobbed.

Elle hugged her tightly.

Thats what she needed. SO love.

Taking care of my Parents.

Beyond stressed.

Taking care of your parents, disabled, is tough.

My step Dad has been in and out of hopistal for past month.

Mom has neropathy.

Its my job, to cook and clean.

I Do dishes, dust, make dinner, clean after cat. dump. laundry.

I dont mind to do it, but its very stressful.

I feel like I have no life.

I just live day to day.

Nothing exciting.

I need a break.

Cape Cod with DAd in September.

BUT. If BOb is in the Hopistal then, id have to stay home to take care of Mom.

Sucky Life.
Again, i dont mind and I LOVE taking care of Mom and Bob, but I need to focus a little on me.

Strip Searched.

Im a pariod schizophrenic.

I was diagnosed age 16.

My first med, was Paxil.

I started it day before class trip to Boston.

I could not go with them

I Had to be monitored.

When I was checked into the psych ward, I was excited.

I THOUGHT, I was going to be laying in bed, eating JELLO.

HELL NO>

I was strip searched. NAKED.

THey took my bra from me.

After I got DC, I was admitted again, few months later.

Thats when I was first restraint to the bed in the psych ward.

scary. puking down my face.

forming bruises on my wrists.

THen I went to a respit program.

I had a MAJOR episode.

I hallusinated. I screamed. I cried.

They had to give me a shot.

When I Was 17, I started to gain weight.

I was hungry from my meds.

too much.

I was getting fat.

I was stressed with school.

RUMORS GALORE.

I was a stoner. i did drugs. i cut, i thrw up.

Well, I was not a stoner! I NEVER did drugs.

Rumors flew.

I started to chug and throw up Coke.

I went to the nurse daily.

One day, i was having an episode. in the nurses office.

there was a visiting nurse who mistaked my problems as drugs.

DRUGS!

ME!?

NO!

But yes, i do have scziphrenia. No shame.

Im special.

Cuddles and Kisses.

“Hey babe, come in” Tom opened the door for me.

I stepped into his home.

Kisses.

I Set my duffle bag on the couch.

Tom and I put away the food I brought.

Pizza rolls, syrup, waffles, milk, bread, icecream, oranges and bananas.

We held hands and walked to the living room.

We sat on his leather couch.

I lay my head on his shoulder and held hands.

Tom turned on the show, “the middle”

for dinner, Tom and I headed up a pizza.

we ate at the table and smiled at eachother.

For dessert we had ice cream and played UNO.

After that, i washed up and changed.

Tom and I lay in bed, side by side, my head on his shoulder.

We held hands.

Tom falls asleep quicker.

His breathing scares me!

He litteraly stops breathing for like 12 seconds.

Sometimes I poke him.

the next morning, we had breafast.

Waffles, bananas and syrup with OJ.

We decided to go for a walk down the street and back.

After that, we sit in his back yard enjoying the sunshine.

INside, was nice and cool.

We drank cold POwerade.

I did the dishes.

I love hanging at my BFs.

I feel independant and like the grownup i am.

im 37 and pretty immature.

But something changes when Im with Tom.

And also, i dont take anixety meds when I am with him.

I feel carefree.

LOVE TOM>

I cant put the lid on my water bottle.

I have been having issues.

One, I find it hard to put the cap on my water bottle.

Two, hard to get dressed.

Three, hard to write on paper.

Four, hard to brush my teeth.

Five, THESE HANDS ARE NOT MINNNNE! I cant pull up my pants after bathroom with that hand.

Six, fear. I fear nightime. I dont sleep well, cuz I have to listen for Mom to call me and says call 911.

I get really anxious.

Not sure how to fix it.

Coping skills, yes.

Meds, yea

Theapy, for sure.

I Just wanna be care free.

Not feeling possible.

Pregnancy Test.

I Keep praying to God that my BF and I have a baby.

I think, i KNOW, we are ready.

I have been taking care of my body.

I lost 55 lbs.

I take 800 mg of FolicAcid

I exersice

I am eating lots of chicken, eggs adn brocolli.

Drinking tons of water.

I have some support and others are unsupportive.

Because I have mental illnesses, i am judged.

I dont have a paying job.

But I have a nice saving currently.

IF the baby has mental illness, I will share stories and be supportive.

Just one baby.

ONe baby to love and spoil.

I want to have the experience of being called Mommy.

My BF is So excited.

So are three of my freinds.

Mom and Step Dad are supportive too!

Time to take a pregancy test.

Wish me luck.

Hallusination’s Birthday!

i had a hallusitnation named MIchelle #2.

I Saw her in my teen years.

TOday is her 38th birthday.

I was really close to her.

Mom, even bought her a toy on her 8th bday.

SHe was SO real.

But I Have grown up and teh hallusinations have subsided a lot.

I Still have Cereal, Sari and Sassafras.

THey are the nice voices.

I Dont name the bad ones, cuz they dont deserve names.

They are mean

degrade me.

call me FAT.

HATE THEM>

But Sassafras calms me when i feel like cutting.

Cereal stands up to the spirts.

IDK WHY I HAVE THESE FREINDS>

At least I am not alone.

when they arent there, i get really lonley.

I broke the dress code.

I walked down the hallway at school.

We have a dress code.

I broke it.

I wore sweat pants instead of Kakies.

My principal noticed.

I was sent to his office to change, or go home.

What he didnt understand, was I lost weight.

I had been skipping meals and throwing up COKES>

My pants were too big.

I didnt change

So I ended up in detention.

I was SO depressed.

I was SO tired.

I did not pay attention in class resulting in FAILING>

I kept going to the bathroom to cry.

ONe day i left.

I left school and walked to the playground.

I was by then diagnosed with scziohprehia

My meds made my head fuzzy.

I did not fit in.

I never did.

So I left that school.

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