I stashed VOMIT>

When I was in day program, i puked 3 times a day.

Soon i was just throwing up bile.

I was monitored after meals for three hours.

Little did Staff know, I was throwing up in cups, hiding under my bed in the psych ward.

Soon i had a stash of vomit.

I was skinny. 98 lbs at age 17.

I hated my body.

Throwing up i had to do.

I was adicted.

I never had to stick my finger down my throat fo puke.

I just squeezed my belly.

I was quite proud.

I was in control.

I did that for YEARS.

My hair thinned.

my throat burned.

I was in tough situation.

I was born from a DVD player?

Ever feel like you live in a movie DVD player?

I do.

When I was psychotic, i thought I was born in one, and 9 months later, popped out.

I got to feel the wires and plugs with my baby hands.

Survived by eating electricity.

When I was born, i thought my hair was white.

Not a drop of sunshine, i was pale as a ghost

I was a very intelligent baby.

I heard the DVDS playing and memorized them

My favorite show I heard, was FRIENDS

Now that I am sane, things are better.

Im not sure why I had that vision.

I am depressed.

So depressed.

I gotta move out of my parents house.

Mom and I argue. Step Dad cant hear a dang thing I say.

I just lay in bed and cry.

CRY.

Pinching my belly till little drops of blood form.

Death is sounding better.

I dont wanna die.

But I cant live this way, anymore.

Honestly, i dont care of my meds

They obviously dont work.

I Dont like trying new meds, fear of side effects.

Suicidal Poem.

AS I lay here falling asleep, I keep thinking why I am so weak.

I Don’t stand up for myself.

Im a push over.

WHEN WILL THIS PAIN BE OVER?

I want to cut, i cant.

People just dont understand.

I have been in psych wards SO may times.

Cutting is the purpous for being these Rymes.

Locked up is No fun.

Scared to have a gun.

FOr sure? would I take my life?

WOULD I KILL MYSELF?

Sigh, think its time.

STOP

I am just venting.

I would NEVER kill myself.

I just need to let it out.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Divorce.

Divorce.

Hate that word.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was 2.

THey both remarried.

Now I had a Mom, Dad, Step Mom AND Step Dad.

Years passed, Dad divorced my step Mom and remarried.

NOW! My MOM and STEP DAD are talking about it.

It cant happen.

first of all. I love him.

We NEED him.

He’s a GREAT STap Dad adn MOm and i could not live with out him.

We dont drive for one.

Plus I LOVE HIM>
PLEASE LORD NO DIVORCES!!!!!!!!!!

I cant save baby hallucinations!

I am seeing scary images at night.

Bad spirits fly in my room.

Ants exploding from my radiator.

Babies with tape on their mouth trying to breath.

I cant save them!

My body is heavy I cant reach!

Im talking to SOMEONE in heaven.

Its NOT GOD because they are NOT nice!

THey bad mouth me!

IM FAT IM UGLY I DROOL

I stare at the spirits in the sky.

I never welcomed them to come, so why are they?

Heart Palpitations!

I have been emotional lately.

Urges to self harm.

Bad moods.

Arguing with my Mom.

my step Dad wants to go to a nursing home.

Mom and I are arguing every day!
I told her I felt like cutting.

She was UPSET>

She wants me to get a med change.

Who knows, maybe I should.

I DO NOT want to go back to the psych ward.

Scared.

My heart rate was 130 last night.

I felt heart palpitations.

I was scared.

I couldnt catch my breath.

I do the cooking and cleaning.

My step Dad has been sick.

IM taking over the cooking. and cleaning.

Ive made all sorts of meals/

sketti, chicken, chili, meatloaf, eggs, sandwiches, soup, turtilini, pizzas…….

Im enjoying cooking.

I Do the dishes, laundry, trash, tidying.

IM very proud of myself.

I am also getting worn out.

I am on call 24/7.

I still volunter at the Library.

I also go to a day program.

We pray, sing and do devotionals.

We do craftssss. walk paint nails, watch movies

Nice meals.

I enjoy myself.

I feel helpful.

Did I do Drugs? Or was i mis understood.

When I was in HS, I was labled as a STONER>

I NEVER EVER did drugs.

I Did hear voices though. I guess that I was just mistaken for drugs, hallusinations.

I have parnoid schizophrenia.

I was diagnosed age 16.

I missed out of fun HS parties.

I was locked in the psych ward, MANY times! Over 23 admitions.

I HATE psych wards.

Freedom is taken away.

I gained weight from meds that made me hungry.

Soon all that fit were jammies.

I was on an OREO diet.

I had issues with laughing at things thatweerent funny.

LAUGHED A LOT.

I peed my pants quite a few times.

my emotions were wacked.

I often tried to escape psych wards.

Caught.

REstrant.

I HATE Being restraint.

I was tied to the bed 2 times and to a chair 6 times.

bruises from thrashing.

totally destroyed me.

I lost trust in staff.

So i tried to eat lotion to kill myself.

Diarreia.

When i got DC everytime I was fine.

But months later, another addmition.

I was very aggivated.

I cut.

I threw up my meals.

I lost weight.

Then i was on a new med.

Lithium.

My face broke out a LOT>
I was SO ugly adn embarressed.

I couldnt look anyone in the eye.

i scrubbed my face but lithium is salt based. It causes blemishes.

Anyways.

Its been SIX years since being admitted.

SO PROUD HOW WELL I AM DOING!

BIrthday Goals.

My 38th birthday is September 23rd.

I cant wait!

I get to spend a night and Day with JUST my Dad and I. At Cape Cod.

We will walk the ocean shore and collect shells.

Go to breakfast and mini golf.

Icecream and manicures.

SO FUN>
THen I will spend my actual bday with Mom adn step DAd.

Nice dinner and cake.

A week before my Bday, My friend Krys and I will exhange gifts.

I hope its a great year.

I hope to NEVER go to the psych ward again.

NO new meds.

I wanna lose 30 lbs.

I wanna make new friends.

I wana get back into arts and crafts.

I wanna try diffrent hair styles.

I wanna organize my clothes and toss old.

I wanna collect Hello Kitty merch.

I Wanna talk better.

I wana start foster care research.