Hungry in the ER.

“”Im hungry” I whined.

I was in the ER with a needle IV in my arm.

I had been there FOREVER. I missed breakfast and lunch.

A doctor came in with a grinder.

“Here, its my lunch” He said.

I Started to cry.

I scarfed it down.

He sat with me.

“Why are you here?” He asked me.

“Voices in my head”

He nodded.

He left. I got sad.

THere was a TV IN the ceiling.

Same three commercials played.

I played a game.

I memorized them in my head and blinked fast.

Soon they were stuck in my brain.

FINALLY, Dr came and said I would be getting transfered to the psych ward.

“NOOOO!” I screamed.

“Cut the crap” Nurse Jone said.

I Stared at that women.

“I am not going”

“Yes, you are”

I started to cry as they strapped me into a chair and rode the elevator to psych ward.

My head was pounding.

THey buzzed us in.

I got strip searched.

Embaressing.

I was in a rough Spot.

So I took my night meds, in the morning for a MONTH in high school.

Thats why i was SO outta it!

I stumbled.

Igot dizzy.

I skipped gym.

i slurred.

Mistaken for use of drugs.

I Laughed SO hard. Nothing was funny.

My guidance councelor was always on my case.

I spent every day at the nurses office.

I Lay in the cot waiting till i calmed down.

I shook. Hard.

They made me hold ice.

Didnt help.

DAys went by, i was in a rough place.

Then i turned 16.

I was admitted into my first psych ward.

THAT< is when I started to cut and puke.

i spent 8 days with no progress.

After I got DC, I got sent, to another psych ward, for three weeks.

I was annoying.

TRying to escape, craving attention.

getting in trouble.

Faking urine samples.

getting restraint.

Peeing my pants.

I was SO confused with my body.

Cape Cod with Dad.

I went to Cape Cod with my Dad this weekend.

SO fun

started with breakfast at cafe.

I had French toast adn eggs.

THen we sat at the ocean and watched birds, collected shells.

Mini golf. hole in one!

ICecream, got a CAPE COD sweatshirt.

Parm for lunch

Went to a thrift store.

Back to teh ocean, walking the shores.

I slept well.

I love hanging with my Dad!!

I stashed VOMIT>

When I was in day program, i puked 3 times a day.

Soon i was just throwing up bile.

I was monitored after meals for three hours.

Little did Staff know, I was throwing up in cups, hiding under my bed in the psych ward.

Soon i had a stash of vomit.

I was skinny. 98 lbs at age 17.

I hated my body.

Throwing up i had to do.

I was adicted.

I never had to stick my finger down my throat fo puke.

I just squeezed my belly.

I was quite proud.

I was in control.

I did that for YEARS.

My hair thinned.

my throat burned.

I was in tough situation.

I was born from a DVD player?

Ever feel like you live in a movie DVD player?

I do.

When I was psychotic, i thought I was born in one, and 9 months later, popped out.

I got to feel the wires and plugs with my baby hands.

Survived by eating electricity.

When I was born, i thought my hair was white.

Not a drop of sunshine, i was pale as a ghost

I was a very intelligent baby.

I heard the DVDS playing and memorized them

My favorite show I heard, was FRIENDS

Now that I am sane, things are better.

Im not sure why I had that vision.

I am depressed.

So depressed.

I gotta move out of my parents house.

Mom and I argue. Step Dad cant hear a dang thing I say.

I just lay in bed and cry.

CRY.

Pinching my belly till little drops of blood form.

Death is sounding better.

I dont wanna die.

But I cant live this way, anymore.

Honestly, i dont care of my meds

They obviously dont work.

I Dont like trying new meds, fear of side effects.

Suicidal Poem.

AS I lay here falling asleep, I keep thinking why I am so weak.

I Don’t stand up for myself.

Im a push over.

WHEN WILL THIS PAIN BE OVER?

I want to cut, i cant.

People just dont understand.

I have been in psych wards SO may times.

Cutting is the purpous for being these Rymes.

Locked up is No fun.

Scared to have a gun.

FOr sure? would I take my life?

WOULD I KILL MYSELF?

Sigh, think its time.

STOP

I am just venting.

I would NEVER kill myself.

I just need to let it out.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Divorce.

Divorce.

Hate that word.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was 2.

THey both remarried.

Now I had a Mom, Dad, Step Mom AND Step Dad.

Years passed, Dad divorced my step Mom and remarried.

NOW! My MOM and STEP DAD are talking about it.

It cant happen.

first of all. I love him.

We NEED him.

He’s a GREAT STap Dad adn MOm and i could not live with out him.

We dont drive for one.

Plus I LOVE HIM>
PLEASE LORD NO DIVORCES!!!!!!!!!!

I cant save baby hallucinations!

I am seeing scary images at night.

Bad spirits fly in my room.

Ants exploding from my radiator.

Babies with tape on their mouth trying to breath.

I cant save them!

My body is heavy I cant reach!

Im talking to SOMEONE in heaven.

Its NOT GOD because they are NOT nice!

THey bad mouth me!

IM FAT IM UGLY I DROOL

I stare at the spirits in the sky.

I never welcomed them to come, so why are they?

Heart Palpitations!

I have been emotional lately.

Urges to self harm.

Bad moods.

Arguing with my Mom.

my step Dad wants to go to a nursing home.

Mom and I are arguing every day!
I told her I felt like cutting.

She was UPSET>

She wants me to get a med change.

Who knows, maybe I should.

I DO NOT want to go back to the psych ward.

Scared.

My heart rate was 130 last night.

I felt heart palpitations.

I was scared.

I couldnt catch my breath.