So depressed.
I gotta move out of my parents house.
Mom and I argue. Step Dad cant hear a dang thing I say.
I just lay in bed and cry.
CRY.
Pinching my belly till little drops of blood form.
Death is sounding better.
I dont wanna die.
But I cant live this way, anymore.
Honestly, i dont care of my meds
They obviously dont work.
I Dont like trying new meds, fear of side effects.
AS I lay here falling asleep, I keep thinking why I am so weak.
I Don’t stand up for myself.
Im a push over.
WHEN WILL THIS PAIN BE OVER?
I want to cut, i cant.
People just dont understand.
I have been in psych wards SO may times.
Cutting is the purpous for being these Rymes.
Locked up is No fun.
Scared to have a gun.
FOr sure? would I take my life?
WOULD I KILL MYSELF?
Sigh, think its time.
STOP
I am just venting.
I would NEVER kill myself.
I just need to let it out.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Divorce.
Hate that word.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was 2.
THey both remarried.
Now I had a Mom, Dad, Step Mom AND Step Dad.
Years passed, Dad divorced my step Mom and remarried.
NOW! My MOM and STEP DAD are talking about it.
It cant happen.
first of all. I love him.
We NEED him.
He’s a GREAT STap Dad adn MOm and i could not live with out him.
We dont drive for one.
Plus I LOVE HIM>
PLEASE LORD NO DIVORCES!!!!!!!!!!
I am seeing scary images at night.
Bad spirits fly in my room.
Ants exploding from my radiator.
Babies with tape on their mouth trying to breath.
I cant save them!
My body is heavy I cant reach!
Im talking to SOMEONE in heaven.
Its NOT GOD because they are NOT nice!
THey bad mouth me!
IM FAT IM UGLY I DROOL
I stare at the spirits in the sky.
I never welcomed them to come, so why are they?
I have been emotional lately.
Urges to self harm.
Bad moods.
Arguing with my Mom.
my step Dad wants to go to a nursing home.
Mom and I are arguing every day!
I told her I felt like cutting.
She was UPSET>
She wants me to get a med change.
Who knows, maybe I should.
I DO NOT want to go back to the psych ward.
Scared.
My heart rate was 130 last night.
I felt heart palpitations.
I was scared.
I couldnt catch my breath.
My step Dad has been sick.
IM taking over the cooking. and cleaning.
Ive made all sorts of meals/
sketti, chicken, chili, meatloaf, eggs, sandwiches, soup, turtilini, pizzas…….
Im enjoying cooking.
I Do the dishes, laundry, trash, tidying.
IM very proud of myself.
I am also getting worn out.
I am on call 24/7.
I still volunter at the Library.
I also go to a day program.
We pray, sing and do devotionals.
We do craftssss. walk paint nails, watch movies
Nice meals.
I enjoy myself.
I feel helpful.
When I was in HS, I was labled as a STONER>
I NEVER EVER did drugs.
I Did hear voices though. I guess that I was just mistaken for drugs, hallusinations.
I have parnoid schizophrenia.
I was diagnosed age 16.
I missed out of fun HS parties.
I was locked in the psych ward, MANY times! Over 23 admitions.
I HATE psych wards.
Freedom is taken away.
I gained weight from meds that made me hungry.
Soon all that fit were jammies.
I was on an OREO diet.
I had issues with laughing at things thatweerent funny.
LAUGHED A LOT.
I peed my pants quite a few times.
my emotions were wacked.
I often tried to escape psych wards.
Caught.
REstrant.
I HATE Being restraint.
I was tied to the bed 2 times and to a chair 6 times.
bruises from thrashing.
totally destroyed me.
I lost trust in staff.
So i tried to eat lotion to kill myself.
Diarreia.
When i got DC everytime I was fine.
But months later, another addmition.
I was very aggivated.
I cut.
I threw up my meals.
I lost weight.
Then i was on a new med.
Lithium.
My face broke out a LOT>
I was SO ugly adn embarressed.
I couldnt look anyone in the eye.
i scrubbed my face but lithium is salt based. It causes blemishes.
Anyways.
Its been SIX years since being admitted.
SO PROUD HOW WELL I AM DOING!
My 38th birthday is September 23rd.
I cant wait!
I get to spend a night and Day with JUST my Dad and I. At Cape Cod.
We will walk the ocean shore and collect shells.
Go to breakfast and mini golf.
Icecream and manicures.
SO FUN>
THen I will spend my actual bday with Mom adn step DAd.
Nice dinner and cake.
A week before my Bday, My friend Krys and I will exhange gifts.
I hope its a great year.
I hope to NEVER go to the psych ward again.
NO new meds.
I wanna lose 30 lbs.
I wanna make new friends.
I wana get back into arts and crafts.
I wanna try diffrent hair styles.
I wanna organize my clothes and toss old.
I wanna collect Hello Kitty merch.
I Wanna talk better.
I wana start foster care research.
I have been being bullied at my Day PRogram.
A kid named A, said I was ugly. He would never date me cuz i drool.
(I drool a LOT from the heavy meds I take for Schizophrenia)
One guy said I have fat legs.
One girl said I looked pregnant.
Another guy stole candy from my purse.
It hurts.
I know I drool.
Its extremley embaressing.
My shirt is always wet.
My Dad gets mad when I drool and slur my words.
SORRY
My step DAd cant hear one word I Say.
ANNOYING!
I know i talk too fast.
I slur.
I Make up words.
Id like to speak any way I want with out being judged.
I am in love.
PAITENTLY Waiting for a purposal.
My BF TOm, wants to surprise me with something romantic.
He is going to use my Mom’s Opal ring that was once hers, for my engagment ring.
Waiting.
I enjoy going to my BF”s apartment.
I feel like a wife, cleaning and dishes.
We share a bed like a married couple.
Even though people frown on that.
Hey, I am an adult. Im 37.
I Can do whatever I want.
Tom is the best thing that happened to me.
I Have changed a lot, for the better.
We like to talk and cuddle, play games and cook.
Watch THe Middle adn FRIENDS.
I Couldnt be happier!
