I wanna cry.
Side effects of some of my meds, are suicidal thoughts or actions.
IM SCARED.
Lately i think I need a med change.
Im scared of new or foregn side effects.
I don’t want to die!
I fear death daily.
Think of it. I could DIE, TOMORROW>
Freaks me out.
I pray, but God is not answering my prayers.
I cant write I feel suicidal here on my BLog/
I may concern viewers.
Cuz I am not. Yet…
I never was good at asking for help.
I used to be WAY OUT THERE.
In the psych ward, I wanted to tell staff how bad I was doing.
Words. I didn’t have them.
so I cut to get attention.
I sat in the dining room, on a red chair using a plastic knife to SLICE my belly.
SLICE< ONE TWO THREE FOUR, blood over the floor.
Dripping blood where are U staff??
I can only handle SO much.
Nobody found me.
I went to bed with a bleeding belly.
I never got caught.
I was sad.
DId they even care?
I started to hate myself.
I was now addicted to pain.
It felt SO good.
I couldnt talk to anybody.
No parents.
No friends.
No teachers.
No staff
No therapist.
I havent cut in awhile.
To be honest, I miss it.
It was lunch time in school.
I Sat with my friend S and A, and K.
My guidance counselor entered the room.
She came over to me.
UH OH.
“I need to speak to you” She said.
I slid my purse into S’s backpack.
“Let me see that” She demanded.
I was caught.
We went to her office.
She asked if I were on drugs.
No.
What’s in your purse” She asked.
I blushed.
We sat there.
“I have reason to believe u have pills” Mrs. A said.
Nope.
I finally gave up and handed over my purse.
Pills.
She called my dad.
I jumped off the chair and raced out of her office.
Down the hall.
to the bathroom and locked it.
I was in, trouble.
Mrs. A knocked angrily.
I came out guilty
She grabbed me.
Off to the principal.
They called my parents. I bowed my head embarrassed as I walked to Mom adn DAD.
I was suspended and needed to take a urine sample.
So we went to my Dr.
Peed.
Passed.
Reported back to my school that everything was negative.
HA!
Feeling really weird.
My focus is on the spirits in the sky.
There they are.
i dont blink.
my eyes water
but I am not sad.
I am being entertained.
With my hallusinations, I am never lonely.
NEVER
Plus I have Miley. my invisible friend.
I feel safe like she cares of me.
She experinced heaven.
Sounds better then I thought.
Uncomforble with my body.
Ive had eating issues since the age of 15.
I used to binge and purge. SO much, soon all there was, was bile.
In the pych ward I threw up in cups.
After being caught, I had to be monitored after meals.
I was SO mad.
When I was on my first med, it made me hungry.
That day, I had TWO English muffins. FIrst time.
I needed food.
If candy was offered,u bet I took it.
I Craved chocolate.
In school i would get a Coke and chug it.
ID throw it up in the hall trash.
CAUGHT> DANG.
Now I am about 98 lbs heavier. Disgusting.
SSSSSSSOOO MAD>
She said I was a bully.
I Disagreed..
Then I sat and thought.
I WAS.
I was a Mean Girl.
I locked a girl in a bathroom.
I slammed a girl into a locker.
I stole.
I cheated on a friends Homework.
I had a friend take my Clozapine. Almost killed her!
She passed out at TJ MAXX.
She was high.
I colored my hair pink. got in trouble.
I pierced my ear myself. Got infected.
I beat up a classmate.
I snorted pixie sticks.
I was a terrible freimds.
“”Im hungry” I whined.
I was in the ER with a needle IV in my arm.
I had been there FOREVER. I missed breakfast and lunch.
A doctor came in with a grinder.
“Here, its my lunch” He said.
I Started to cry.
I scarfed it down.
He sat with me.
“Why are you here?” He asked me.
“Voices in my head”
He nodded.
He left. I got sad.
THere was a TV IN the ceiling.
Same three commercials played.
I played a game.
I memorized them in my head and blinked fast.
Soon they were stuck in my brain.
FINALLY, Dr came and said I would be getting transfered to the psych ward.
“NOOOO!” I screamed.
“Cut the crap” Nurse Jone said.
I Stared at that women.
“I am not going”
“Yes, you are”
I started to cry as they strapped me into a chair and rode the elevator to psych ward.
My head was pounding.
THey buzzed us in.
I got strip searched.
Embaressing.
So I took my night meds, in the morning for a MONTH in high school.
Thats why i was SO outta it!
I stumbled.
Igot dizzy.
I skipped gym.
i slurred.
Mistaken for use of drugs.
I Laughed SO hard. Nothing was funny.
My guidance councelor was always on my case.
I spent every day at the nurses office.
I Lay in the cot waiting till i calmed down.
I shook. Hard.
They made me hold ice.
Didnt help.
DAys went by, i was in a rough place.
Then i turned 16.
I was admitted into my first psych ward.
THAT< is when I started to cut and puke.
i spent 8 days with no progress.
After I got DC, I got sent, to another psych ward, for three weeks.
I was annoying.
TRying to escape, craving attention.
getting in trouble.
Faking urine samples.
getting restraint.
Peeing my pants.
I was SO confused with my body.
I went to Cape Cod with my Dad this weekend.
SO fun
started with breakfast at cafe.
I had French toast adn eggs.
THen we sat at the ocean and watched birds, collected shells.
Mini golf. hole in one!
ICecream, got a CAPE COD sweatshirt.
Parm for lunch
Went to a thrift store.
Back to teh ocean, walking the shores.
I slept well.
I love hanging with my Dad!!
When I was in day program, i puked 3 times a day.
Soon i was just throwing up bile.
I was monitored after meals for three hours.
Little did Staff know, I was throwing up in cups, hiding under my bed in the psych ward.
Soon i had a stash of vomit.
I was skinny. 98 lbs at age 17.
I hated my body.
Throwing up i had to do.
I was adicted.
I never had to stick my finger down my throat fo puke.
I just squeezed my belly.
I was quite proud.
I was in control.
I did that for YEARS.
My hair thinned.
my throat burned.
I was in tough situation.
