She said I was a bully.
I Disagreed..
Then I sat and thought.
I WAS.
I was a Mean Girl.
I locked a girl in a bathroom.
I slammed a girl into a locker.
I stole.
I cheated on a friends Homework.
I had a friend take my Clozapine. Almost killed her!
She passed out at TJ MAXX.
She was high.
I colored my hair pink. got in trouble.
I pierced my ear myself. Got infected.
I beat up a classmate.
I snorted pixie sticks.
I was a terrible freimds.
“”Im hungry” I whined.
I was in the ER with a needle IV in my arm.
I had been there FOREVER. I missed breakfast and lunch.
A doctor came in with a grinder.
“Here, its my lunch” He said.
I Started to cry.
I scarfed it down.
He sat with me.
“Why are you here?” He asked me.
“Voices in my head”
He nodded.
He left. I got sad.
THere was a TV IN the ceiling.
Same three commercials played.
I played a game.
I memorized them in my head and blinked fast.
Soon they were stuck in my brain.
FINALLY, Dr came and said I would be getting transfered to the psych ward.
“NOOOO!” I screamed.
“Cut the crap” Nurse Jone said.
I Stared at that women.
“I am not going”
“Yes, you are”
I started to cry as they strapped me into a chair and rode the elevator to psych ward.
My head was pounding.
THey buzzed us in.
I got strip searched.
Embaressing.
So I took my night meds, in the morning for a MONTH in high school.
Thats why i was SO outta it!
I stumbled.
Igot dizzy.
I skipped gym.
i slurred.
Mistaken for use of drugs.
I Laughed SO hard. Nothing was funny.
My guidance councelor was always on my case.
I spent every day at the nurses office.
I Lay in the cot waiting till i calmed down.
I shook. Hard.
They made me hold ice.
Didnt help.
DAys went by, i was in a rough place.
Then i turned 16.
I was admitted into my first psych ward.
THAT< is when I started to cut and puke.
i spent 8 days with no progress.
After I got DC, I got sent, to another psych ward, for three weeks.
I was annoying.
TRying to escape, craving attention.
getting in trouble.
Faking urine samples.
getting restraint.
Peeing my pants.
I was SO confused with my body.
I went to Cape Cod with my Dad this weekend.
SO fun
started with breakfast at cafe.
I had French toast adn eggs.
THen we sat at the ocean and watched birds, collected shells.
Mini golf. hole in one!
ICecream, got a CAPE COD sweatshirt.
Parm for lunch
Went to a thrift store.
Back to teh ocean, walking the shores.
I slept well.
I love hanging with my Dad!!
When I was in day program, i puked 3 times a day.
Soon i was just throwing up bile.
I was monitored after meals for three hours.
Little did Staff know, I was throwing up in cups, hiding under my bed in the psych ward.
Soon i had a stash of vomit.
I was skinny. 98 lbs at age 17.
I hated my body.
Throwing up i had to do.
I was adicted.
I never had to stick my finger down my throat fo puke.
I just squeezed my belly.
I was quite proud.
I was in control.
I did that for YEARS.
My hair thinned.
my throat burned.
I was in tough situation.
Ever feel like you live in a movie DVD player?
I do.
When I was psychotic, i thought I was born in one, and 9 months later, popped out.
I got to feel the wires and plugs with my baby hands.
Survived by eating electricity.
When I was born, i thought my hair was white.
Not a drop of sunshine, i was pale as a ghost
I was a very intelligent baby.
I heard the DVDS playing and memorized them
My favorite show I heard, was FRIENDS
Now that I am sane, things are better.
Im not sure why I had that vision.
So depressed.
I gotta move out of my parents house.
Mom and I argue. Step Dad cant hear a dang thing I say.
I just lay in bed and cry.
CRY.
Pinching my belly till little drops of blood form.
Death is sounding better.
I dont wanna die.
But I cant live this way, anymore.
Honestly, i dont care of my meds
They obviously dont work.
I Dont like trying new meds, fear of side effects.
AS I lay here falling asleep, I keep thinking why I am so weak.
I Don’t stand up for myself.
Im a push over.
WHEN WILL THIS PAIN BE OVER?
I want to cut, i cant.
People just dont understand.
I have been in psych wards SO may times.
Cutting is the purpous for being these Rymes.
Locked up is No fun.
Scared to have a gun.
FOr sure? would I take my life?
WOULD I KILL MYSELF?
Sigh, think its time.
STOP
I am just venting.
I would NEVER kill myself.
I just need to let it out.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Divorce.
Hate that word.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was 2.
THey both remarried.
Now I had a Mom, Dad, Step Mom AND Step Dad.
Years passed, Dad divorced my step Mom and remarried.
NOW! My MOM and STEP DAD are talking about it.
It cant happen.
first of all. I love him.
We NEED him.
He’s a GREAT STap Dad adn MOm and i could not live with out him.
We dont drive for one.
Plus I LOVE HIM>
PLEASE LORD NO DIVORCES!!!!!!!!!!
I am seeing scary images at night.
Bad spirits fly in my room.
Ants exploding from my radiator.
Babies with tape on their mouth trying to breath.
I cant save them!
My body is heavy I cant reach!
Im talking to SOMEONE in heaven.
Its NOT GOD because they are NOT nice!
THey bad mouth me!
IM FAT IM UGLY I DROOL
I stare at the spirits in the sky.
I never welcomed them to come, so why are they?
